Another note to self…

Finding and attaining a job is not as easy as it once was…

Gone are the days of walking into a place, filling out an application, sticking around long enough to be noticed and then interviewed by the boss and walking out with a job.

*sigh*

Now there are fancy resumes and first interviews and second interviews and knowing what to say and how to respond and proper handshakes and thank yous and call backs and waiting and stress. Plus trying to understand the job requirements and duties and the culture and figuring out if this is the right place to be (physically, mentally, emotionally and yes, even field-wise).

Or if I even have a choice.

I have bills which means I need money which means I need a job. Yesterday.

Desperation is a hard place to be.

I know full well from experience that if I jump into something I’m not suited for or high-stress and long hours that my body will react strongly – which just makes everything worse and I could lose the job (or my sanity). Yet such things are so hard to explain to those around me who think I need to take anything offered to me without reserve and offer “proverbs of ashes” (note Job 13.12) such as “you can’t look a gift horse in the mouth” and “beggars can’t be choosers.”

But I feel guilty for turning down a job offer when I am so desperate for income.

*sigh*

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Daddy’s Hands…

So the other night when it was snowy and icy and I was all freaked out, I had to go out for groceries.
I asked my Dad to go with me.

I drove and he was in the passenger seat.
He gave me reminders of how to drive in the snow and calmed me down.
In a way, I felt like I was a teenager learning to drive all over again.

But mostly, I felt safe. Everything was going to be okay.

The next morning on my way to work I was talking to my Heavenly Father as I drove along and was reminded that He, too, was right there with me. Always was. Always is. Always will be.

And I felt safe.

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Irrational Fear

It’s white outside. The cold white stuff is covering the lawns and the roads and everything else.

And it strikes fear in me.

I’m not exactly sure why. I grew up here. I’ve experienced snow before. I’ve driven in it. Sure, it’s messy, but it’s not the end of the world…

… or at least it wasn’t until now.

This fear is irrational. I don’t want to drive. I don’t even want to go outside. I’m not sure what is wrong with me. I’m not really sure where this is coming from.

Although I have been more fearful in general as of late. Fear of people looking down on me. Fear of not finding a good job. Fear of not having the money to pay my bills. Fear of letting others down. Fear of failure. Fear of my symptoms never easing and the pain never going away and that I will never be able to do the things I long most to do.

Irrational fear.

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Mom says I’m out to lunch…

… without any utensils.

So I told her she was just jealous that the voices in my head weren’t talking to her.

*sigh*

Is it really that peculiar that my characters and stories play out in my head?? They live in a world in my imagination long before they end up on paper (or the computer).

And when one of them says something funny, I laugh. Sometimes out loud. And it probably doesn’t help that my expressions are so animated. I think sometimes my face matches that of what a character is feeling and so people looking at me wonder…

But I still don’t think I’m all that strange…

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weak

there is so much i have to do today, so much i want to do

work

write

blog

think

but i am weak, trembling, breathless.

even slowly tapping keys saps my strength.

i fear

i fear the weakness

i fear the implications – losing my job, losing perspective jobs, losing my sanity

i must rest

rest physically to regain strength and allow my body to do whatever it needs to do to get better

i must also rest in God – for i have no other way of making it through

His grace is sufficient.

when i am weak, it is He who is strong.

I must rest in this.

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Welcoming Aunt Flo

This post is not meant for guys. In fact, I’m not even sure females in general will want to read it. Or consider it.

But here goes.

So one of the issues that week 8 in my Bible Study (Lies Women Believe) addressed was our emotions in relation to female issues – namely periods, pregnancy and menopause. She commented how much of the culture says that we have an excuse to act irrational, grumpy and (a word I won’t type) because of our hormones. And then she comments how that is a lie (we can’t be controlled by our emotions/hormones) and that God understands these changes we experience because He created our bodies. And something to the effect that God knows what He’s doing.

Then it got me thinking about periods in general and how typical it is to complain about them and curse Eve. And then I thought about how all those commercials (for feminine products including midol and birth control) market their products by telling us how awful that time of the month is and how gross and inconvenient and irritating it is and that we shouldn’t have to put up with it. (Have you noticed all the new things out there to help “shorten” and “minimize” your period?)

Don’t get me wrong, I am indeed grateful to be living in the era of advil and kotex… but I think that in trying to market their products they are feeding us lies and trying to devalue something very sacred.

In Pentateuch class we got to talking about all the rules in the “Law of Moses” regarding women and blood flow and uncleanness. And how when we think “unclean” we think dirty. But the prof mentioned something that got me thinking. Back then, blood was (even more than it is now) related to life. And it wasn’t just that once a month women were “unclean” because of blood flow – it was related to the ability to carry life – which was a mystery and sacred.

It seems inconvenient. Especially in a culture that tries to equate women and men (in more ways then was meant to be). Periods are inconvenient and – if you take note of the culture – even children are considered inconvenient these days.

But women were created to be the bearers of life. Not “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” – but the only ones who can carry and give birth to new life. That is a sacred duty. And those regular periods are reminders of that – and just as sacred.

So next time Aunt Flo comes knocking, I’m going to try and remember that. Don’t dwell on the pain and inconvenience, but thank God for the ability to participate in His grand plan. Society has it all wrong.

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A Poor Start

I often get sick around Christmas. Usually it’s a day or two before so that I’m pretty miserable over the big events. This year it waited.

I had a fibro-crash last Friday after having one really good day after having several sleepless, high-pain days. But that was minor. Until Sunday.

My throat was scratchy off and on Saturday evening. But Sunday I could hardly swallow or barely stand. Slept most of the day. Monday, January 1st, found me feeling worse. I called off work. Slept most of the day. Last night was horrible and today Mom insisted on me seeing the doctor. It’s a cold. A very vicious cold that on top of the fibro makes me even sicker, weaker and more miserable.

And I was thinking about it yesterday – thinking how wonderful (read sarcasm in there) it was for me to start off the New Year this sick. Questions like “what does this say about the upcoming year” ran through my head. And I don’t think any amount of pork and sauerkraut will help…

But then a new thought struck me. Here I am, sick and miserable, seeming that nothing is going my way. But it’s not like I was in control to begin with. Not like good health or lots of money were going to make this year great. In fact, this turned out to be a reminder that I need God and will throughout the year. I cannot put my faith or hopes in myself – I must put them in God and rely on Him for strength.

So I began the new year the best way I could have – resting in Jesus and relying on Him!

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