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Archive for September, 2006

A few years back when i was interning one of the things i remember my mentors saying was “don’t question in the dark what you know in the light.”

and that phrase has come back to me lately, i think because i am in somewhat of a dark time. my entire outlook on life is different when i am tired and in pain – which is frequent these days and just a part of the fibro.

so on a good day i feel like ‘i can do all things through Christ’ and i am on the right track doing what i am supposed to be and i will be able to get married and have a family and a life and a job and make a difference and be a mime…

… and then there are the dark days. days when the pain is annoying and irritating if not excruciating and the fatigue makes even breathing a bother. when every movement hurts and requires all i have, i have to wonder…

… how can i keep going? how can i get into a relationship and get married like this? how can i keep a household? cook? clean? how can i ever have kids? will i be able to handle a pregnancy? holding my children? what if i pass this illness on? what kind of a job can i get? how will i ever pay off my college loans? who will ever want me? how can i mime with so much pain and fatigue and stiffness? i do i expect to teach or write or travel? what if i’m not getting better? what if i get worse? what if i’m wrong? what if i’m doing something wrong? what if i’m handling this wrong?

Bonheoffer talked about questions in the dark. his poem “Who Am I?” echoes many of my own feelings though we are seperated by time, space and type of suffering. he writes, “they mock me, these questions of mine.”

my questions mock me too. i am trying to ignore them. trying to listen to that Voice of Truth and trying to remember what i know to be real and true in the light. but when the darkness stretches on like an Alaskan winter it is more than difficult.

even so, i must conclude with Bonhoeffer and say, ‘Thou knowest, o God, i am Thine.”

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fully alive

a friend wrote:

“When life has so long seemed only on the horizon, all your activity known to be temporary, how do you begin to live fully? Oddly enough, in the temporary times I found ways to dig in and live fully. Now, when I should be finally settling into a place and season – I find myself merely wondering if I have the chops for it.”

_________

yeah. me too.

in some ways i’m asking all the questions i asked before while in school – what am i doing with my life? am i on the right track? how does my health fit into it? why am i still sick? will i ever get better? how can i do what i want to do like this?

only now i’m asking those questions on a different side of the fence. and the grass is just as brown on both sides. of course, that could be because we are heading into fall and the leaves are changing and the cold wind blowing.

one thing about moving back home is that the seasons are so much more visibly and tangibly evident. a constant change. it just so happens that i am currenlty caught in on of those little whirlwinds that pick up colored leaves, tossing and spinning them around and at the same time carrying them off somewhere else. i wonder where i’ll land.

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nostalgia

so i spent nearly a week to, from and in Indiana. had a wedding in South Bend on Saturday that I was in… beautiful…

so on the way home i took a different route through Huntington. i went to college there. graduated four years ago. it was neat. i recognized much of the route and though i hadn’t been there recently, the memories came back quickly.

the road. the trees. the wind.

there were, of course, some changes. everything changes. nothing stays the same. but they weren’t as severe as i’d prepared myself for. i saw some friendly faces and driving home from there was practically an automatic response (although the turnpike fare has gone up).

often these days i’m not sure who i am or where i’m going, but it’s good to know where i’ve been. and good to go back for a visit now and again.

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so it ends…

well that’s it. i no longer work at Staples…

i thought i had another month, but i mis-heard and today had the choice of coming back next week or not at all.

i’d rather hang out in Indiana with my friends after the wedding this weekend… so today was my last day.

i haven’t even had a chance to change clothes yet and am still in my Staples shirt.

this is weird.

money is gone.

i need another job. one that is better suited to my health and skills. but does that exist? where do i find it?

sometimes is is just so hard to trust…

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a prayer

“Help me to find my happiness
in my acceptance
of what is Your purpose for me:
in friendly eyes; in work well done;
in quietness born of trust;
and, most of all,
in the awareness
of Your presence in my spirit.”

(from Sept 19 of the Aidan series of daily readings in ‘Celtic Daily Prayer’)

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csi is losing favor with me. i’ll admit i was a lover and a freak at first. but as they have turned to more gruesome, more outrageous and more explicit crimes, i just don’t want to watch anymore. the curiosity, the drive, the excitement is gone. completely gone.

the commercials previewing the new season say such things as “welcome back to sin city” and “sin never sleeps” and something about this season being even “darker.” i mean, sure, it is set in Las Vegas… but really i think they have just fallen into the trap of the law of diminished returns.

it’s like an addiction. you need a certain amount of something, a certain jolt, to get a ‘high.’ then the next time you need a little more, and then a little more, and then a little more. a vicious cycle. it’s like they are making it darker and more deviant just to get the same ‘buzz’ and ratings.

plot driven shows need that. character driven shows do not. i hang out with my friends because they’re my friends – quirks and all – not because i need to get something (a quick fix?) out of it…

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think on

so this blog thing has me intriqued. i have at least one friend’s blog that i keep up with and i have been told it would suit me well. i suppose that was a compliment.

so here goes.

“tauta logizomai” is actually transliterated Greek meaning “think on these things.” it comes from Philippians 4.8. The cap letters are my initials. my hope is to write stuff worth thinking on…

so here goes.

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