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Archive for February, 2008

They were a foursome.  They grew up together.  They hung out together.  And for the most part, they grew old together.  Uncle Richard died about 13 years ago.  Elmer died in August.  Jean died last week.  And now Dad’s the only one left.

He’s commented many times on that.  How he’s the only one left out of their little group.  I can only imagine.  Must be awkward.  Must feel empty.
It’s hard.  Slowing watching people walk away, turn away or pass away until you’re the only one left.  It’s lonely.  It’s often bewildering.  And it’s a process of grief.
Grief.  I’ve had enough of it.  Pain.  I’ve had enough of it.  The only reason I wouldn’t want Jesus to come back tonight is because I still have a few friends and family that I’m not sure where they stand.  Where their belief lies.  Where their trust lies.  Where their salvation lies.  I want them in heaven with me.  Otherwise, I say, “Come quickly, Lord Jesus.”
Jean’s with Jesus.  So’s Elmer.  And someday, I pray, the rest of my friends and family will be, too.  Then there will be no more “one.”  No more being left or lonely or grief or pain or sickness or loss.
Yes, come quickly, Lord Jesus.
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processing (again)

So my aunt died this morning. I wasn’t super close to her by any means. Except that she always liked me and asked about me and how I was doing and what I was up to and would talk to me a while before asking to talk to Mom or Dad when I answered the phone…

And yet this hits hard. I feel funny that it does. But it weighs on me. Weighs my heart down. I am sad. Maybe because it’s the 3rd death in 6 months. Maybe because out of the “3 Orphans” (Elmer, Jean and Dad), Dad’s the only one left. Or maybe I am just terrified because all these deaths were people within 5 years of Dad’s age. And I am certainly not ready to lose my Daddy yet…

I’m still processing my grandfather’s death. Seemed to be at peace and “getting used to it” and all that just fine. But on Sunday morning we hopped in the car after church and Mom turned her cell phone back on and my first thought was “are we calling to see if Pap’s joining us for dinner?” And then I realized, Pap’s gone.

Is it selfish for me to be thinking that I am already so stressed and spread thin that I can’t possibly process another death? For some reason I am feeling numb, like I can’t move, like my mind has stopped and I can think of nothing except “she’s gone, too.” And oh how my heart goes out for her children and grandchildren. I am keenly aware of how their hearts must be breaking right now.

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P.S. I Love You

From a postcard my brother sent me when he was in the service (Navy). I was three.

Lori,

Hi there. How are doing. I miss you very much and hope you miss me as much. I might send you a stuffed animal from Florida so you can remember me. On the picture in the front is Shamu jumping in the air. Shamu is a big fish.

Your Brother,
Rodney

P.S. I Love You

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